Unusual Addiction

I have an addiction of a different sort.
Most people have trouble with indulgence.
and that makes sense...
one wouldn't think to fill a void with a void
but, clever me

I have an addiction of a different sort.
of deprivation.

the things most people find enjoyable
Normal things

like touch.
eye contact.
closeness.
connection.
conversation.

I have figured out, there is nothing special to it
I am just afraid.
just afraid

I am afraid for you to know me
because I don't want to know myself.

I hate who I may find in there...
so I cover it up
with deprivation
with isolation.

And I am tired
and hungry
and absent

I am not who I want to be

I am not who I was made to be

I am absent to my children
I am absent to my husband
and on the inside I am angry
very angry...

I am there in body
but I am shut down
nothing can get in.

But....I have brief moments...of love...of care...of connection
but they are fleeting
and my family is forced to close back up
to retreat from the cold face
from the distance...

But I just need to tell you
I do love you
and I am human
there is a softness inside of me
....somewhere....
and it pains me every day
that I cannot give more

I want to give all
to you
to them

I want to actually LIVE.
I want to come out of this hiding...

but I am afraid that

I am a prisoner
in my own body