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Many years ago

You held me close

You sang softly, sweet words to my ears,

Your breath grazing my skin…

Blowing the wisps of hair from my eyes.

Promise you’ll never forget

Many years ago

You rocked gently

With your tune

The pulse of your songs, your love

And I slept right there in your arms,

Trusting.

Promise you’ll never stop loving

Many years ago

You held me close

Stroked my tiny fingers

With touches so soft to my child skin

Promise you’ll never let go

I’d keep my eyes close

Listening intently

To your soft voice

Savoring

Your soft caress…

But it’s been so long

I’ve nearly forgotten your voice

And your touch

And I have trouble getting to sleep at night…

I keep trying

I rock myself with my foot against the wall.

I hum softly to myself, that old song of yours

I keep trying to remember what you sounded like

But I can’t

I can’t hear your voice anymore.

Some things come in and out of our lives

Like seasons

And usually they come back

In some form or another…

But not you.

Not us.

Not anything quite so pure

As your voice humming me to sleep.

Promise me nothing…

The time is gone for us

For humming or rocking or holding.

These precious moments pass and we don’t know at the time

That we should hold onto them.

I just wish I could go back

To that place one more time

It was so soft there in your arms, you know…

Or did you ever know?

Don’t say another word.

Darker Parts

I turn over each morning

with a deep inhale, the musk of sleep

stale on my skin.

I start every day

with wrinkled sleep lines

from the night before

with a flattened, empty tummy

and I think

How the hell do I stay alive this way?

And I think…

How the hell can I do this by myself?

But there is no answer

Only question after question

after question

Breathe In

I start each day

wiping the sleep

from my eyes…

noting the way

my lips are always dry and chapped

as if I’ve been talking to you

all night.

Breathe Out

And I remember the feel of my dreams

Was that you?

Why have you suddenly grown silent?

but it makes sense

all over again, each morning.

I remember….

I will have nothing left of you

once I push the sheets back, letting the warmth slip out.

Breathe In

I wake up each morning

somewhere between what I’ve been dreaming

and what I’ve been living

and ever so often I find myself crying

but I never quite remember who or what it is I am crying for…

I can only see blurs of my

two

small

hands

and my heart is beating

so damn fast…

I am out of breath

I can’t remember…

I only see blurs…

and it feels so cold here

Like the darker parts of the ocean…

Like I’ve been talking to you

all night

with no reply

and I can’t remember why…

I am

out of breath. 

Violin Song

11/99

Violin music has the most beautifully
tragic sound...
it cuts through the air--
a dull blade
on dry skin
blood slowly pools to the surface...

Violin music is a child's cry
left alone in a room--
the highs and lows
hauntingly bounce from one wall
to the next
each tone scraping
against the dry air

there are two separate doors here
for an entrance
                and exit.

Dark eyes surround me
weaving patterns over my skin
thin as angel hair
and shimmering

(someone, please unwrap me!) 

I find myself entangled...
and there is
             no one here

Violin music cuts through me
like a dull blade on dry skin
in the fiery displacement of rage unattended.

And I awake to this
an open wound
a new blood
a new, thicker kind of dusk...

the scars to become
resemble my heart.

Violin music sings the song of the weary
the song of the wounded heart
the lost
the buried...

she sings my song, sharply

I let the sound slice through me.


 

Invisible Enemy

When we were still young
I created a home for you,
a palace
within my chest.
I clothed in pale pinks, blues and whites
to disguise you.
A mask of beauty,
to hold you there.
I kept my arms crossed---
cradled against us
concealing your bitter taste
beneath my breast.
I spent years
smiling and laughing,
bright-eyed against your fire.
I spent bitter years
wiping hidden tears
from my pale pink cheeks
to keep you with me...

until I woke up one morning
and couldn't understand
why.

A Child in the Lap of God

"There will be times in your life where God will stretch you to your breaking point. You will squirm and cry out, moaning and screeching like a child in tantrum. Do not fear. It is because you are a child.  At all times you are a child in the lap of God. You scream and cry because to stretch pains you. But God must break us. We must be broken of our imperfections. Sometimes you will cry out for God to intervene, to stop, screaming that you can handle no more. But He will not stop, simply because of His great love for you. He will not allow anything to remain a part of your character that would hinder your relationship with Him. Nothing can separate us from His love. But have hope. He will console you. Lean your head upon his chest. Draw near to the Sacred Heart and trust Him. He is your Father--He knows what is best for you."

You are Seen. You are Known.

 ****Trigger Warning; Sexual Assault Victims***

       For those of us who have endured sexual assault...It is very difficult to find healing, even if we are strong believers in Christ and His love for us. Personally, I have struggled in feeling very alone for many obvious reasons...but primarily, because I have never imagined or should I say, never understood, that Christ could understand, truly, what it was and how it felt. He did come to earth, after all, as a man. And it was, for me, by the hand of a man that I was so cruelly treated. Until, by the grace of God, he revealed to me His complete union with my pain and an understanding of my experience hidden within His horrendous passion and death, which He endured not only on my behalf, but even on the behalf of the men who used me.

When you are feeling down inside you that heart wrenching ache of emptiness...Remember the moment just before His crucifixion, when Christ was stripped of his clothes. He felt the cold on his skin and the pain of his flesh tearing from Him, as you did. He felt the humiliation, the exposure and the helplessness. And He too, shortly thereafter was thrown down, against the hard wood of the cross and stretched out as you were stretched. Unite the ache inside with His ache. Give it all to Him.  For Jesus has one thing in that moment of time that you did not. Power. You were made powerless by the world, and for our sake, Jesus allowed himself to be powerless as well . Yet he triumphed over the sin of other men. He overcame the world, He overcame even...death. He will also give you strength to overcome.

You think He does not understand it. But think back. Did you not feel simultaneously that you were both pinned down and lifted up? Stretched out for the world to mock you? For the world to disfigure you? To laugh and spit, watching you writhe in agony? Was not evil thrust upon you, in that dark moment, and were you not pierced inside with a sword? Did you not feel death? Did you not beg "my god my god, why have you abandoned me?!"

He was there with you.

He is always there, for you are indeed his child. He has carved you in the palm of His hand.