Given Up

I remember the day I stopped trying

I remember the day I finally decided

To be the mean one

Instead of being the victim

I decided

To be the evil and pain that others carelessly tossed on me

day after day.

I made up my mind

to stop loving

to stop living

to stop feeling

and to give it all back.

I wanted to shove all the lust

and violence

and lies

the teasing

and cruelty

of the world back into its face

and say

eat this mother f--

but I couldn’t get the words out,

I couldn’t say the bad word.

But I tried.

I put on a hard face

I cut my hair

I put on dark clothes

I shut myself up inside of my mind

And decided to keep the nice, trusting, innocent

sweet, loyal girl

hidden and

safe.

Nobody could touch her here

Or tear her apart…

She was safe…

Locked inside…

Silenced.

And I took on a new role.

I decided I would use them

Like I was used

I would be cold

And selfish

Fixated on getting what I wanted

but....I didn't know how...

because there was nothing I really wanted...

And I failed…

And I got hurt even more.

But these days...I get fixated on where it all began…

When did I lose it?

When did I lose myself?

And I am starting to think

It wasn’t just "then" I lost it....but always.

It wasn't just one moment in my history but a string of events...

Attitudes, approaches, experiences shaped me

to be a void.

I am a nothing

for others to fill

and they did, oh how they did

and it shaped me into what I am today and I hate it, I hate me

I feel sick inside and festering

And I am angry

I’m so angry

Furious

at nothing

at...everything

at an unknown that I just cannot put my finger on

and I’m so tired I just want to know who am I? What kind of person am I? and, is it good? Am I good?

Will I ever accomplish anything?

Can I ever trust myself?

Will I ever follow through?

Will I ever be proud of my life?

Will I ever be honest with myself?

I want to know that when I say “yes” I mean it.

I want to be able to say “no” and mean it.

Without the guilt and without the shame.

I want to be able to feel...

to feel love

compassion

tenderness

intimacy

I want to feel connected

But I don’t. I don’t feel anything.

I shame them

I crush their new, tender spirits

With the void left in their hearts

by my indifference.

The coldness I remember all too well

as a child

With backs towards me

as I reached out to the world.

and now, I have become that coldness

I have become that void…

And I cannot stop, I cannot control it, I am blocked, shut down

I have given up.

So, I began as powerless against the world

as we all do...

and now I am powerless

against myself.

and I don’t want to be terrified

to feel anymore

or terrified of someone seeing me feeling.

I don’t want to be terrified

to be human anymore.

But I am.